Just keep swimming... or not.

I've been blogging in private lately.
There's lots that I have to say, but I can't share.
There's lots that I have to get out, but I have no one to tell.

Sometimes I'm shouting. Sometimes I'm choking through the tears.
So, I blog, and I just keep those posts hidden.  Someday soon, maybe I can share them. But not yet.

I contacted Andrea at RR about "my" girl. Hubby and I were talking, and he gave me the go ahead. Soon after, he took it right back. He stuck a toe in the water, then decided he's just not quite ready to swim. He told me, "Later, but not yet." I asked him to please take a deep breath, and just jump in with me. He's still sitting at the edge of the pool.

I'm broken.
I've got the information on her. I've got the financials, talked to necessary parties, now even have some appointments lined up.

But now, he's not in the water with me. He told me to jump in, and I thought he meant together.

So now, I'm in the water, and he's not.
Do I climb out?
Do I tread alone?
Do I drown?


I'm begging and pleading, SCREAMING at God to shout at me. To be blatant and obvious. To tell me exactly what He wants me to do.
To be honest, I'm really tired of hearing "Get Ready." I've been hearing that for too long now, and I don't know what it means.
I'm tired of begging, pleading, sobbing, reading, searching, deciphering.  I don't like having my faith tested. I don't like debating, "Is this God's voice, or am I just reading into things because it is what I'm hoping for?"

Honestly, I want someone to turn to. I want someone with answers. I want someone I can look up to spiritually, who will help me follow a path that I'm not creating myself.
I want to follow Him, but too often I'm left wondering if I'm actually doing so.


To start our adoption process, we need to have five thousand dollars.
Five. Thousand. Dollars.
That's not to do anything more than open door number one.

That should scare me.
And yet, five thousand dollars is the least of my concerns.  It is, by far, the easiest challenge in this journey.

A husband who can commit and stay committed? Who can close his eyes, say, "I trust you", and jump in with me? That's what terrifies me.  Making sure I'm surrendering this to God, letting Him lead, and following His call?  That's my biggest challenge.

So, now what?
I don't have any answers.

I'm just here, swimming in circles, hoping someone will join me, or Someone will tell me to get out of the water and dry myself off.
I've got to admit, I'm not afraid to swim, but right now, this pool sure is a lonely place to be.