Signs...

Note: This post has been edited to attach links; originally written Feb. 11, 2011.

I've got to be honest. I pray for signs all the time. Then I think I receive one (or many), then I pray that God give me a sign that what I've witnessed is a sign, and not just my own wishful thinking.
I'm a sign-doubter.
He speaks, I listen, I answer. Then I wonder if He really spoke, or was that just me, misinterpreting, trying to fulfill my own desires?
Sigh... sometimes it's hard living in this brain of mine.

Today was a day filled with signs. Undeniable ones. Signs that He's calling, that He's asking us to rise to a challenge. And still, I'm TERRIFIED at the thought that it wasn't really there. That I'm just making it all up. Why do I do that?

Today's sign didn't come across a billboard, shouting boldly and clearly at me to "Adopt Now."

Instead, it came by email.

I've had a nagging feeling for the past few days weeks  long while that it is time to get moving. Yesterday, I contacted the homestudy agency that I had originally contacted five months ago. I told her about our possible moving plans. I had really thought she'd write back and say, "Sorry, you are going to have to put things off for now." Instead, she was supportive. Not only was she supportive, but she mentioned that she just had my file in hand yesterday, getting it ready to file away since she hadn't heard from us in so long. Hmm.
So I emailed the adoption agency we would need to go through to work with this particular Russian region. Again, expecting negativity, instead, receiving positive feedback. Hmm.

So, I emailed Andrea at RR. Told her I just can't get My Girl off of my mind.
She wrote back that I'm no longer the only one inquiring.

Hmm. Wait, WHAT?
My Girl is in danger of no longer being MY Girl. She'll be Someone Else's Girl.
I should be happy for her.
Truth is, I started sobbing. I completely lost it.

All those signs! Everything that told me Yes, She is Yours.
Was it all a lie?

Not knowing what else to do, I turned to a very dear friend. I poured out my heart. I had only YESTERDAY, for the first time, told anyone the whole story of My Girl. Of how truly I feel she is ours.
She wrote me back with wonderful words of wisdom. (Edited)
...

This is one of those little tests of faith that you have to endure.  You are human.  You are a Mother.  It's ok to fall apart, and be scared.  God gives us that "talent" as women.  Fight.  Do what you have to do. Pray.  Look at the practical stuff.  Pray.  Fight. 

So, I chose to follow her advice. I prayed. I asked God to tell me if this is a battle that I should fight.

Earlier in the day, I had opened the bible to just read. It had opened to the start of Micah.  While reading, life quickly got in the way, I put it aside, and moved on with my day.

Now, once again, I went back down to sit and read my Bible, hoping He would clearly let me know His thoughts on the matter.

I opened to the exact same page that I had "randomly" opened to this morning. Okay, maybe this is something. I started reading, not feeling anything, not getting a whole lot of message  from it. Maybe I wasn't going to get an answer after all? It certainly didn't seem to pertain to anything that had to do with my life, the questions I was asking, or the answer I was seeking.  

And then. 

When I saw it, I knew it was from Him.

Rise and thresh, O Daughter of Zion; for I will give you horns of iron; I will give you hoofs of bronze and you will break to pieces many nations. (Micah 4:13)

(Of course, I immediately wrote my friend, whose response, more or less, agreed that this is a pretty OBVIOUS sign, and it'd take a whole lot of crazy not to recognize it!)

So, there it is. My battlecry. My creed. He's giving me the weapons, I just need to use them.

And so, the battle begins.

My Girl isn't going to be Our Girl without a fight.

The battle isn't going to be an easy one.

The money we need right now, just to say, "We want her!" is a huge sum. A huge sum that we don't have.

Even so, His will is pretty evident to me right now. I hope others will read this and agree. 

Because... I have a tendency to start doubting myself really quickly.

Everyone says adoption is not for the faint of heart. I sure hope my heart is up to the battle.