If I Had a Million Dollars...

Remember that song?

Okay, I'm not looking for a million dollars, but I'm sitting here tonight (well past bedtime, but wide awake thanks to a giant cup of coffee a few hours ago,) thinking about the things I'd like to take care of right now.

I'd like to pay off all debt. Yeah, we have it, I wish we didn't, and yes, I want it completely gone.
I'd LOVE to get my pricey-but-broken camera fixed. It's $200 to send it in, so it sits tucked away until I've got the extra money just laying around (that's gonna be awhile!)
I'd like to take care of the unfinished projects around the house. Like having a fully functional upstairs bathroom. (Because it's only been four years now, and who needs two showers, right?)
I'd like to buy my husband a very overdue thankyou/Happy Father's Day/Happy Anniversary gift.
I'd get the issues with his car fixed. He's got the little annoying problems right now.... a broken radio, a window that won't go down, and a broken air conditioner.
I'd buy a new juicer, since the inside parts of mine have completely disappeared. (Who loses the inside of a juicer? Apparently I do, that's who.)
I'd get a gym membership again. I really, really miss the gym membership.

Okay, so there you go. That's my "If we weren't adopting right now, think of what we could have!" list. That's not getting into the big, really pricey, stuff. That's just the stuff that has ended up on the backburner.

To be honest, sometimes I just wish I could have that stuff. I wish that I could just blow the money and not worry about it. I think of how much easier life would be to walk away and say, "Let someone else be her family. She's cute. Someone else will adopt her... right?"
Yeah, that's the honest truth. Sometimes it's so much easier to say no than it is to say yes.

When I was pregnant with the twins, I had a really, really tough pregnancy. I had a liver condition that at times, made me feel like I may just go insane. As I stayed up each night, itching so badly it was impossible to sleep, I remember thinking at times that I don't even care about the babies, I just want them out and this to be totally over with. I remember thinking it was all a mistake, that I'd like to just change my mind and go back to life before pregnancy.

Thank God there's no turning back.

Today, one of my little guys came to me and said, "Mom, look at my eyes. Do they look tired?"
Knowing the answer he sought, I responded, "Yes, honey, they look very tired."
"Do you think I should go lay down?"
"Yes, Love, you should probably go get some rest."
And happily, he climbed onto the recliner, pulled up a blanket, and gave his eyes their much needed rest.

I cannot imagine missing that simple moment.
I cannot remember this kind of joy existing before I had my sons.

And now, as I await my daughter, and sometimes wish that I could just again have a working camera, a gym membership, or a fully-functional showerhead,
I realize how much joy we might miss by never having her home.

So, as I stare at this looming figure before me, as I sit here wondering how on earth we are going to pay for these immediate fees, I realize none of that stuff really matters.
As long as we get our daughter home, regardless of the cost, she is worth it all.
So again, Thank God, because as hard as it can sometimes feel, there's no turning back.